‘I felt as if I was dead to her’: The psychological cost of the silent treatment

hurt by words – the cruel ones, the insensitive ones, the ones that replay themselves over and over again in our minds. But many of us have also been hurt by the absence of words, by the spaces between them, by silences that truly can become deafening. 

The silent treatment is a refusal to verbally communicate with another person, a way of withholding connection. It can look like a spouse who completely stops talking after a fight or a displeased parent who refuses to speak or make eye contact with a child. Psychologists say when it becomes part of a pattern of controlling or punishing behavior, it can be abusive. 

“There’s nothing wrong with wanting to set a boundary or in a disagreement or in distress saying, ‘hey, look, I need to take a break’ or ‘I need to stop talking about this.’ But I think what’s different about the silent treatment is its intention isn’t to set a boundary or regain emotional regulation. The intention is to punish the other person,” said Vaile Wright, senior director of healthcare innovation at the American Psychological Association.

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Wright said the silent treatment is not an effective means of resolving disputes, and it can often reflect someone’s inability to communicate pain. 

“I think it’s probably, to a certain degree, a defense mechanism related to not being able to articulate ways in which somebody feels hurt. Instead of using your words, you act out in behaviors that aren’t particularly adaptive, but may feel protective,” she said.

The silent treatment: Painful, terrifying, damaging

Kipling Williams is a psychology professor at Purdue University who studies the silent treatment specifically, and ostracism broadly. Williams wrote in his book, “Ostracism: The Power of Silence,” about the fear and desolation felt by those who’ve experienced the silent treatment.

“Few events in life are more painful than feeling that others, especially those whom we admire and care about, want nothing to do with us. There may be no better way to communicate this impression than for others to treat you as though you are invisible – like you didn’t exist,” he wrote.

Jeannie Vanasco is a writer whose forthcoming book “A Silent Treatment” explores her mother’s use of the silent treatment within their relationship. A few years ago, Vanasco’s mother moved from Ohio to Vanasco’s basement apartment in Baltimore, Maryland. Vanasco said her mother began to use the silent treatment whenever she felt frustrated, or hurt, or when she believed Vanasco wasn’t spending enough time with her. Her periods of silence would typically last two to three weeks, but one episode during the pandemic lasted six months. 

“I can’t recall feeling as bad as I felt during that time except when my dad died, when I was 18,” she said. “I felt as if I was dead to her.”

That feeling you can’t name? It’s called emotional exhaustion.

Vanasco coped through distraction, by studying the history of punitive silence, pouring over research on what might motivate someone to engage in this type of behavior. Her mother was widowed, had left her home and friends and was living in a basement during the pandemic. Vanasco said she began to understand how her mother’s isolation and vulnerability were factoring into her punitive behavior.

“When people weaponize silence, a lot of times it’s coming from a place where they feel as though they don’t have a lot of power,” she said.

Is the silent treatment abuse?

While use of the silent treatment can reflect the source’s own emotional pain, there is also a profound psychological cost for the receiver. The silent treatment can damage relationships, sometimes irreparably. When it becomes part of a pattern of behavior, Wright said it can be abusive. Especially when it includes other harmful behaviors, such as threats or insults, where the intention is to control.

A research paper published in the journal “Group Processes Intergroup Relations” found that people who received the silent treatment experienced a threat to their needs of “belonging, self-esteem, control, and meaningful existence.”

Use of the silent treatment can be damaging to any relationship, but Wright said the risks of harm are especially potent when a parent uses it on a child. 

where many adults are collectively processing childhood trauma, the hashtag #silenttreatment has nearly 40 million views. Many of the app’s users are sharing what it felt like when their parents would go silent.

Mental Health TikTok:It’s powerful. But is it therapy?

Tammy Chow, who posts on TikTok under the username @somaticspirit, said her mother would often give her the silent treatment after an explosion of anger. It would typically last around two weeks. 

“I would just tiptoe around the house like a little mouse,” she said in one video. “My whole body was in a state of heightened arousal.”

It was agony, she said, to feel that kind of rejection.

Chow said eventually her mother would start speaking to her again, but without any real resolution to the conflict, Chow remained in a state of hyperarousal, primed for the next event. She became a people pleaser and sought perfection like it was armor. 

What to do if someone is using the silent treatment on you

If someone is using the silent treatment on you, Wright said it’s important to find ways to emotionally regulate yourself.

What to do if you can’t trust your partner.

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