The Internet says ‘check in on your Black friends.’ It’s more complex than that.

George Floyd’s death last summer, after Derek Chauvin’s guilty verdict this week and during the many Black deaths in between: “Check in on your Black friends.”

For Black people, “how are you?” can be a loaded question. A too-small phrase asked in spaces that can rarely accommodate the answer. When Chauvin was found guilty, there was exhalation and in some cases celebration, but there was also an unrelenting grief. There was recognition among Black Americans of what the moment offered, and what it still denied. About 20 minutes before the verdict was announced, a 16-year-old Black girl, Ma’Khia Bryant, was shot and killed by police in Columbus, Ohio.

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On social media, some Black people said they appreciate when white friends and colleagues check in. Others said there is nothing they want less. Some non-Black people might not be sure what to say.

“There’s no one-size-fits-all response to racial trauma,” said Brandon J. Johnson, creator of The Black Mental Wellness Lounge YouTube page. “There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to how to support others in these moments where we have these complex emotions based on our individual experiences.”

There are distinctions: a difference between checking in with a close friend, and someone you haven’t spoken to in a decade. A difference between checking in to offer support and checking in just to say you did. There’s a difference between telling someone you love them, and seeking answers to impossible questions. 

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“There is no one way to reach out and say, ‘Hey, I’m attending to your trauma,’ ” said Sharnise Hendrick, a therapist who specializes in racial trauma. “How would you reach out to somebody you love knowing that they lost someone? Because that’s what’s happening. We’re losing ourselves. We’re losing members of our community. We’re losing people that look like us. We are holding our breath, most recently for a year, to see whether the outcome in this trial was going to confirm what our eyes already told us.”

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