Review: ​​​​​​​New 'Godzilla' sequel romps and stomps its way to complete absurdity

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“Godzilla: King of the Monsters” brings back Mothra, Rodan, Ghidorah and, of course, Godzilla.
WARNER BROS.

The ultimate Godzilla movie would have giant monsters smacking each other around and causing wanton destruction for two hours. Perhaps a wrestling match of sorts, with no holds barred and an announcer screaming at the top of his lungs when Ghidorah nails Mothra in the back with half a skyscraper.

“Godzilla: King of the Monsters” (★★ out of four; rated PG-13; in theaters nationwide Friday) is a movie and not a sporting event, though, and while it delivers on the sheer brutal beauty of a beast-on-beast tussle, it’s a colossal misstep in several ways, from ludicrous dialogue to thin characters to ridiculous plot turns. Godzilla demands a certain level of absurdity to be fun, but even this is a stretch.

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The sequel to Gareth Edwards’ superior “Godzilla” (2014) actually follows up on the consequences of its predecessor pretty well. The humongous lizard helped save San Francisco in that one, though left it a complete mess. In the ensuing five years, the secretive monster hunters of the cryptozoological agency Monarch have been keeping tabs on sites around the world where Godzilla and other enormous “Titans” lie dormant eons after they, not humans, ruled.

The government would prefer to take them out permanently, a sentiment that isn’t shared by Monarch scientist Emma Russell (Vera Farmiga). She’s figured out a way to communicate with Mothra and these other super species, making monsters her life’s work even after they caused the family tragedy that created a rift with her animal behaviorist ex-husband, Mark (Kyle Chandler).

An ecoterrorist (Charles Dance) takes Emma and daughter Madison (Millie Bobby Brown) hostage for Mom’s technology, Mark joins up with a Monarch crew to find them, and Emma makes man-monster relations dicier by awakening the massive three-headed dragon Ghidorah. He’s the alpha dog who all the other Titans listen to, though that puts Ghidorah in the sights of a certain well-known rival with potent radioactive breath and an iconic roar.

If you’re just here for the monster action, hold on to your butts. The foes from Godzilla’s past have received amazing computer-generated makeovers, especially Mothra and Rodan. And if you’re missing “Game of Thrones” big time, Ghidorah hits the spot: His constantly moving snake-y noggins are an imposing sight, for humans in his flight path as well as Godzilla.

Perhaps we’re supposed be rooting for mankind, but those guys just seem to be getting in the creatures’ way with nonsensical plotlines and character motivations – Farmiga’s role, as well as that of the bad guys, is particularly all over the place.

A wealth of acting talent get saddled with forgettable archetypes: Thomas Middleditch is the jittery nerd, Ken Watanabe is the wise scientist with the frequently cryptic bon mots, O’Shea Jackson Jr. is the soldier just there to sling one-liners, and Bradley Whitford is the snarky engineer who’d rather be anywhere else.

God bless Chandler, that national treasure of manly heroic earnestness, for keeping this thing watchable when Rodan’s not raining fire on Mexico and Ghidorah’s not wreaking havoc on Washington. He’s all of us looking befuddled as the monster-fueled situation goes from somewhat crazy to way bonkers. Chandler has definite chemistry with Farmiga and Brown, even though they don’t get much time together, and he’s the one dude who believably stares down Godzilla in a “game recognizes game” moment.

Too bad he’s stuck in a mishmash of a tale that fails to meld ancient mythology, modern science and rock-’em, sock-’em monster matchups. It all crumbles like a building getting the business end of a G-man body slam.

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