My future sister-in-law tried to fight me. Do I need to apologize?

Question: “My fiancé and I are getting married in December, and I recently had a falling out with my future sister-in-law. I want nothing to do with her now.

Some background: When my future sister-in-law and I first met, we hit it off. We went out together, had deep talks, traveled together. I trusted her and treated her like my little sister. Fast forward to this summer, we went on a weekend vacation with his family. I am a little uncomfortable being around his family as they are not native English speakers and when we are all together, they rarely speak English. (I mostly understand the conversation, but I can’t really participate.) I tried to communicate the best I could that weekend, but it was a struggle, and the family could tell. At one point, my fiancé left me alone with them, and I was upset at him for doing so. Once he returned, we went on a walk and talked it out. Everything was good with us after that.

Should I disclose my diagnosis on dates?Am I wrong for not wanting my fiance’s sister as a bridesmaid?

Should I forgive her for trying to fight me and not sincerely apologizing? Because I don’t feel like I should until she does. Can I uninvite her to our wedding?”

Answer: “First of all congratulations! You’re so close to the big day, it makes sense things may be getting a bit tense, and alcohol never helps when emotions are running high. It sounds like you and your future sister-in-law have had a great relationship up until this point, so if I were you I would give her the benefit of the doubt that alcohol may be behind this unhinged behavior. 

The only way you’re really going to find out though, is sitting down and having a real conversation with her. It’s time to get it all out in the open, and with your fiancé taking the lead, set boundaries so she doesn’t get involved in your relationship in the future. I’m hopeful you’ll be able to mend the relationship, but if you can’t, then you may need to be the bigger person and just let it go. Holding a grudge or uninviting her to your wedding may create such a rift between you and your fiancé’s family that your future marital bliss becomes impacted. You’re entering into such a fun, exciting, happy chapter of your life, and while you may not have anything to apologize for, sometimes its best to just let issues become water under the bridge. 

My sister-in-law treats our house as an extended-stay hotel, and I just can’t do it anymore

In regards to being left alone with your fiancé’s family, I don’t think it’s fair that your future sister-in-law blamed you for ruining the family vacation. However, it’s also not fair of you to expect your fiancé to never leave you alone with his family. I completely understand you may feel like an outsider, but perhaps you could take some language classes. I think you could be in a more comfortable place in no time. 

I don’t think it is sustainable for you to never be able to be left alone with his family. The blending of culture and language is so important for many couples (and their families), especially if children become a consideration in the future. It can also be extremely important to a person’s family that they see initiative and effort being taken to fit in. I’m not sure how long you’ve been together, so maybe there hasn’t been adequate time to learn yet, but this may be something to seriously consider moving forward. 

I hope this helps,

Morgan

Morgan Absher is an occupational therapist in Los Angeles who hosts the podcast, “Two Hot Takes” where she and her co-hosts dish out advice. She writes a weekly column, sharing her advice with USA TODAY’s readers. Find her on TikTok @twohottakes and YouTube here. You can reach her by email at Mabsher@gannett.com or you can click here to share your story with her.

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