Suicide leaves us asking ‘why?’ In new memoir, journalist searches for answers

Suicide loss survivors – the close family and friends left behind after a suicide – number six to 32 for each death, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Every year, more than a million people unwillingly become part of this group, forced to cope with immeasurable loss while fumbling for clarity. Suicide is complex, and experts underscore there is no single cause, but this is little comfort to the grieved.

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“Stepping Back from the Ledge: A Daughter’s Search for Truth and Renewal,” USA TODAY journalist Laura Trujillo bares herself in an effort to better understand her mother’s suicide. Her memoir exposes stubborn tensions – between Trujillo’s heart and her head, between the desire to know and the recognition she never fully will, between deep-rooted guilt and the clear-headed proclamations (from her therapist, her husband, her friends) that she is not to blame. 

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“I wanted to know everything,” Trujillo wrote. “Like a lot of people who lose someone they love to suicide, I had been shocked. Numb. Now I wanted to understand how this could have happened and what I could have done differently, what we all might have done differently to help her.”

This simply is not true.

It’s what makes Trujillo’s inquiry so devastating. Her memoir articulates the difficulty in accepting she is not to blame for her mother’s death, while simultaneously exploring the many things that could have prevented it. Trujillo is not invested in concrete conclusions, but the reader can see what she sees: that her mother was in pain, that she was reluctant to seek help, that her family was more comfortable within silos than communicating openly about the ways in which someone they loved was struggling.

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Trujillo examines suicide, but also the grief it generates. She writes of the immediate anguish, “I couldn’t think, couldn’t process order or time,” and the lingering kind, when she was functional but utterly lost: “Back then, if you took the GPS away from me, I couldn’t tell you where I was, much less feel my way home.” 

The bereaved can heal, suicide prevention experts say, but their pain is often underestimated. The stigma around suicide creates an additional burden. Loss survivors commonly experience a range of emotions as they grieve, including shock, fear, shame and anger. As they work to cope with these feelings, many are also dealing with the pressure to keep their loved one’s suicide a secret or with the mistaken belief that they did something to cause their loved one’s death.

‘We’re not supposed to blame ourselves … but many of us do anyway’

One of the most difficult parts of coping with suicide loss is the blame and guilt survivors place upon themselves. They wonder what they missed or what they might have done differently to prevent it. 

Days before her mother killed herself, Trujillo sent her a letter that was deliberate and direct, expanding on a disclosure she had only recently made: her mother’s husband, Trujillo’s stepfather, had raped her for years, beginning when she was 15 years old.

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“Everyone has their own part of a story, and many don’t want to share,” she wrote. “There’s no one who has the answer and sometimes the bits they have, they lock inside.”

After a loved one’s suicide, those left behind face an increased risk of suicide themselves. According to a 2015 report from the Action Alliance for Suicide Prevention, losing any first-degree relative to suicide increases the mourner’s chance of suicide by about threefold.

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Trujillo said she thought many times about killing herself, prayed to die, and one time went so far as to make a plan. But in the midst of executing it, she found a note from one of her children, scribbled on an index card: “I know U love me and I love U. Theo.” 

She drove home. 

‘What will my children remember?’

“Stepping Back from the Ledge” isn’t only the story Trujillo felt she had to tell, it’s the one she hopes her children never have to. 

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but experts say feeling connected to other people can help. 

Many people who have survived a suicide attempt or experience suicidal thoughts go on to live full, joyous and healthy lives. Others continue to struggle chronically but are surviving. All have found ways to cope with the underlying pain, ways to get through the hard days we all have and ways to recognize when they need to ask for help. Here we share self-care suggestions from the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255), as well as survivors’ coping techniques in their own words.

Suicide Lifeline: If you or someone you know may be struggling with suicidal thoughts, you can call the U.S. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255) any time of day or night or chat online.

Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7, confidential support via text message to people in crisis when they dial 741741.

Meet the author

Join USA TODAY Managing Editor for Life and Entertainment Laura Trujillo for a reading of “Stepping Back From the Ledge,” a QA and a chance to share some of your own story. 

The event will take place online and at Changing Hands Bookstore at 300 West Camelback Road in Phoenix on Wednesday, April 20 at 7 p.m. PDT/10 p.m. EDT. Virtual and in-person tickets are available at https://www.changinghands.com/event/april2022/laura-trujillo

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